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The L Word: Predictions for the 3rd Season
by L T Miller

(Recommendations for the uninitiated: read the synopses for season one and two at Or much better yet, rent the dvds.)

Episode One

Tina returns to work full time, despite her maternal yearnings, so that someone is bringing in a steady income. Bette, fired from her job, finds that being a stay-at-home mom softens her control-freak tendencies. However, her self-esteem begins to deteriorate.

Voyeur-videographer Mark discovers that he’s gay, and this is the real reason behind his fascination with lesbians. He gets together with ‘80s TV action star Burr Connor. The tabloids expose the relationship, and Burr runs Mark out of town. Then Burr follows Mark out of town. They don’t return to the series.

Marina returns! She explains to everyone that the suicide rumors, all versions, were false. She decides to start up a new café in the neighborhood, which Kit realizes will threaten her own business. Marina refuses to speak to Jenny. Jenny continues her writing classes.

Episode Two

Tina discovers that the process of having a baby gave her cellulite. Bette reassures her that she loves her as much as ever. They conspire to keep the cellulite hidden from executive producers, which is extremely difficult during sex scenes.

Alice becomes curious about Dana’s diary, and Dana allows her to read it. Alice becomes insecure when she reads about Dana’s fantasies of dating women who don’t like dildos.

Shane enters into the very first relationship of her life with the lovely Carmen. Shane begins to fall in love with Carmen. But Shane, being proficient at sex yet a newcomer to love, wants to take things very slowly -- a hand-holding, clothes-on, get-to-know-you-first relationship. At least for a few days. Carmen won’t have it. She dumps Shane.

Episode Three

Shane, deeply depressed, hangs out alone at The Planet. While there, she lays eyes on a very exotic lesbian: one that is plump and doesn’t wear eyeliner. Shane hits on Chloe, the plump, exotic lesbian. Shane hints at sex, her ace in the hand. But Chloe, it turns out, is not into instant sex. They go out several times, and on the third date, they kiss. Shane is thrilled. The L word audience is stunned. Some viewers begin to call in with concerns.

Kit is worried about the new café that Marina is opening up: The Anti-Planet. Bette tries to console her, but Kit is unconsolable. Kit, in turn, tries to console Bette after she finds out that a lawsuit against her former employer will be an uphill, expensive battle.

Carmen sees the author of this article, L.T., outside The Planet, peering in as she walks by. Carmen pretends to hurt her ankle, as a pretense to meet L.T. L.T. falls for it. Carmen’s ankle is magically healed. She takes L.T. dancing, and so begins their incendiary affair.

Jenny, in response to an assignment in her writing class, begins having flashbacks of sexual abuse that took place during the hitchhiking episode after Tim abandoned her at the motel.

Episode Four

Bette and Tina fight about household chores. Tina argues that since she is working full time as well as breast feeding the baby, she should not have to do all of the cooking. Bette argues she is not a good cook, and claims she would breast feed if she could. They have sex, and no one cleans.

Episode Five

Bette appeals to the enigmatic Mrs. Peabody to act on her behalf in getting her job back at the museum. But Mrs. Peabody is reluctant to undo the evil handiwork of Helena. Fortunately, the museum is crumbling without Bette’s talents and ends up begging her to return to her old position. Helena resigns from the board, and leaves the country to pursue a pregnant woman in Belgium.

Dana and Alice are merging so dangerously that they begin to look like one another. Dana goes blonde. Alice becomes a extraordinary tennis player.

Carmen and L.T. embark on a two week Olivia cruise through the Caribbean. After two weeks of passion, Carmen tells L.T. she is weird, and that her one and only true love is Marina. L.T. flees to San Francisco, where she decides to write a lesbian soap opera, with a character based on Carmen as the villain. Critics love the new soap opera, the villainous character especially, and L.T. becomes a multi-millionaire.

Marina opens The Anti-Planet, which is, unfortunately for Kit, a big hit. Betty, in an unspeakable act of betrayal, sings at the grand opening. Kit’s business instantly falls by 20 percent. She runs to Ivan for help ... and comfort.

Episode Six

Laura tries to seduce Dana, but she accidently hits on Alice instead. Alice is furious, and in revenge she pretends she is, in fact, Dana.

Kit tracks down Ivan, who has checked into the hospital. Ivan, still devastated that Kit saw her breasts, is about to undergo surgery to become a man. Kit panics. She drugs and kidnaps Ivan in order to stop her.

Jenny becomes overwhelmed by the memories of abuse, from the recent as well as the distant past, all of which have been flooding into her conciousness. She enters therapy, and the therapist makes a pass at her.

Shane and Chloe have romantic conversations in the park. Chloe tells Shane that most people don't have sex upon first meeting each other, and most don't go from zero to orgasm in 45 seconds. That's just TV, she explains. Producers begin to panic.

Episode Seven

Bette and Tina fight about household chores. Bette argues that now that they are both working full time jobs, they can afford to hire someone to clean for them. They have hot sex. Producers relax.

Episode Eight

Jenny, retraumatized by her therapist, starts to understand the recent abuse she experienced in a new light, and for the first time, she calls it for what it was. She decides she can’t do anything about her childhood trauma, but she can do something about more recent events. Without telling anyone, she buys a gun and a plane ticket to Ohio.

Laura and Alice, aka Dana, begin to date. After their first date, Laura and Alice have sex. Alice, despite her intentions, falls in love with Laura.

Tina meets Shane and Chloe at The Planet, where she reluctantly admits that she is secretly attracted to Kit.

Kit takes the drugged-up Ivan to Montecito, where she rents a beautiful, romantic villa for Ivan to return to conciousness.

Episode Nine

Alice continues to see both Dana and Laura. Laura thinks she is with Dana. Dana is starting to wish she were seeing Laura again.

Ivan slowly comes to, and Kit is there to nurse her back to health. Kit confesses her treacherous deed. She declares that she loves Ivan too much to let her chop off her beautiful breasts.

Jenny tracks down Tim’s address in Ohio, and she sneaks into his house. After he gets into bed, she emerges from below and holds a gun to his head. “You fucked me like a piece of meat after I told you ‘no.’ That’s called rape, didn’t you know that? Well, it looks like that’s the last bit of information you’re ever going to learn.” She shoots him dead, and takes a plane back to L.A.

Episode Ten

Jenny finds her urges to self-mutilate and strip in front of howling, jeering men have vanished entirely. In class, she writes the story of murdering her rapist and ex as if it were fiction. Her teacher finds the story well-written, but very disturbing. She advises Jenny never to publish such a story because it comes across as “man-hating,” and therefore could ruin her potentially brilliant career.

Episode Eleven

Jenny writes another story, this time about a good man who marries his philandering girlfriend. His heart unrepaired, he leaves his new wife with no money and no car at a motel in the middle of nowhere. The dishonest woman is sexually abused as she hitchhikes home. Then the good man decides to move out of town, but before he does, he fucks her against her wishes in revenge for her betrayal of him. He leaves her as she desperately calls out to him – a new twist on, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Her teacher calls it “brilliant,” “edgy” and “daring,” and encourages Jenny to submit the story to major publishing houses.

Kit and Ivan agree to disagree about everything. However, they make a pact to save The Planet from The Anti-Planet, and restore its popularity.

Tina overcomes her attraction to Kit through hypnosis. Bette organizes a wonderful Vincent Van Gogh exhibit and gets a much needed break from scandal.

Episode Twelve

Dana comes in fourth place at Wimbledon. Alice discovers she loves only Dana, and not Laura. Alice reveals her true identity to Laura. Laura temporarily becomes heterosexual.

Bette and Tina clean the house, and are too tired to have sex.

Shane and Chloe celebrate their six month anniversary. They seem ecstatic with one another, but nobody knows whether they’ve had sex yet. The two just aren’t talking. Nevertheless, the show goes on.

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